follow the Leader

Advent.
–noun

1.	a coming into place, view, or being; arrival: the advent of the holiday season.

2.	(usually initial capital letter) the coming of Christ into the world.

3.	(initial capital letter) the period beginning four Sundays before Christmas, observed in commemoration of the coming of Christ into the world.

4.	(usually initial capital letter) Second Coming.

I love these definitions. The last definition really caught my attention though. The "second coming". We celebrate Advent because we are in the time of waiting for the birth of Jesus Christ. We remember waiting for a savior to come into the world. The final definition reminds me that even now, we are in a constant Advent. Advent doesn't end Christmas day... the season may but our hearts should be renewing our own celebrations of Advent. It's so easy for me to spend these 4 weeks before Christmas in preparation for the coming of the King. The constant Christmas carols and bright lights help a little bit, but why is it that we...I, don't spend my entire year preparing for the coming of the King!? I mean, He IS coming again...just as we wait these 4 weeks to celebrate his birth we are waiting our entire lives to see the SECOND COMING of our savior, Jesus Christ. He is coming back, and we are each living our own journey right now.

How are you celebrating your Advent journey?

Don't ask me how I am and only pretend to listen.
I listen when you speak.
There are certain thing I don't care to hear about, but I listen anyway.
Also, don't lie to me. Facebook makes it clear when you do.
You know what hurts more than a friend not being there for you... and friend who can't tell you the truth.
I'm not perfect. I'm selfish, I hate being alone and left out, I complain....
It's a constant battle. I just want someone to genuinely care and tell me things and listen to me and let me know that everything's going to be ok.
There isn't a single person in this wold who knows my secrets and it's not because I'm keeping them from anyone... it's because I don't think anyone wants to hear.

I'm sorry. If you're reading this know that it wasn't directed toward you. Not at all.

I don't know if I can do this for another 8 1/2 months. I really really don't like Spencer. I don't like that I have no friends here... I don't like that there's absolutely nothing to do. I don't like that there is hardly anyone my age around here. I've never felt this alone before... It's a terrible, awful feeling. I am truly envious of anyone living on a college campus!! You all have opportunities to make friends... do me a favor- meet someone new today. Because you can. Don't get me wrong.. I could meet new people... but it seems as though anyone near my age in this town either have children or an addiction... or both. I want friends. So bad. I don't want to spend another Friday night by myself...
sorry, I know you all think I'm a complainer anyway... I guess you don't have to read my blog if you don't want to hear what I have to say. I'm not meaning to play the victim, I'm not meaning to make anyone feel sorry for me, just getting my feelings out.

I'm reading Do Hard Things by Alex and Brett Harris,
It's a really great book. It's perfect for the things I'm facing right now.
Sunday I realized that the reason why the kids in my youth group show now commitment or responsibility is because their parents don't expect them to. I had one parent tell me that it's too much to ask to have them commit to coming to an event 3 days in advance. She said that that's unrealistic to expect to hear back from them. I don't think so. I think that's not expecting enough!! Every kid has access to my number, my e-mail address, my facebook, my work mailbox, and my office. I don't see any reason for them to not be able to tell me "yes" or "no". I should be expecting SO much more from them. But, when their parents aren't encouraging them to be responsible it's hard for me to get it from them. They believe that their parents are the ones who think the most of them, so they put themselves at the standards they have set for them. I, somehow, need to show them that I have a higher standard. I KNOW that they can be soooo much more then they are letting themselves be. I was there... 4 years ago. I know it's a busy age, I know it's a trying age... but I also know what happens after graduation, and what happens during college, and what happens in the real world. I know where my faith needs to be. I want them to see where they should be, and WHO to put their faith and trust in. -- the LORD! God is the one who will not leave them, who will help them through their first week of college when they're missing home, He will be the one they turn to when their boyfriend/girlfriend breaks up with them, He will be the one who keeps them company as they drive home for Christmas break in the middle of a snowstorm. They need to commit themselves not only to responsiblity, but to picking up their cross and carrying it!! Faith needs to be personal...not what your mom and dad tell you it is, not what your friends think it is... it's between them and JESUS!!
ah. okay. sorry that turned into some kind of crazyness.. I let the Spirit go a little wild. haha :)
Anyway.. if you're the praying type, please pray for my youth.

Something has to change.
I cannot go on like this. Seriously.
I'm ready to make the change. Monday will hopefully be the start to something new.
Let's do this.

Written by Philip Hainline, Heidi Reimer, and Maria Reimer at the respective ages of 16, 19, and 17.

A real woman . . .
…is glad she’s a woman and rejoices in her femininity, expressing it through her attitude, appearance and bearing. (1 Timothy 2:9-10)

…does not compete for equality with men or chafe at God’s design for male and female, but delights in and understands the importance of her calling to complement man’s role. (1 Timothy 2:11-12, Ephesians 5:22-24)

…values the cultivation of her mind and diligently seeks after wisdom and knowledge. (Proverbs 22:17-21, 2:2-6)

…realizes her imperative need to allow the Holy Spirit to control her emotions and expressions of them. (James 1:19-20)

…does not wallow in self-pity or make a habit of voicing complaints, but radiates cheerfulness and joy. (Proverbs 15:15, Proverbs 17:22)

A real woman . . .
…appreciates her father’s protection, and respects and submits to his authority. In so doing, she is preparing herself to exercise the Biblical role in her relationship with a possible future husband. (Ephesians 5:33-6:3, 1 Peter 3:1-2)

…is trustworthy and gains the respect of those around her. (Proverbs 31:11)

…restrains herself from listening to, or participating in gossip, but instead speaks with wisdom and discretion. (Proverbs 11:12-13, 22, 20:19, 3:11)

…encourages and builds up those around her instead of criticizing and tearing them down. (1 Thessalonians 5:11, Ephesians 4:29)

…does not have a nagging, contentious or manipulative manner in which she deals with others. (Judges 16:16, Proverbs 21:9, 19, 26:21)

…is not boisterous or loud in her speech or actions but is characterized by a gentle and quiet spirit. (Proverbs 9:13, 1 Peter 3:4)

A real woman . . .
…portrays chastity, modesty and reverence in her manner, and wears the ornament of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is her true beauty. (1 Peter 3:3-4, Titus 2:4-5)

…is not offended by respect shown her through gentlemanly courtesies (opening doors, etc.) but cultivates the differences between the sexes that make her worthy of this deference. (1 Peter 3:7, Mark 10:6)

…seeks to make God her number one desire and the Lover of her soul, knowing that only He can fully satisfy. (Psalm 73:25, Psalm 63:1)

…uses her years of singleness to seek and serve God without distraction, and is content to leave the details of her future to Him. (Psalm 73:25, Philippians 4:11)

A real woman . . .
…does not relate to members of the opposite sex in a flirtatious or forward manner, but instead saves all her passion for her future husband. (Thessalonians 4:3-8, Proverbs 6:25, 1 Corinthians 7:1)

…holds her virginity before marriage sacred and will not compromise it for anything. (This one goes for guys too)
(1 Timothy 5:22)

Lori Hainline & Rebecca Chandler co-authored this list at the respective ages of 19 and 17. Their closing comment: This list is not exhaustive and men like this do exist!

A real man . . .
…understands and lives according to the basic purposes for which he was created: to worship, honor, and serve God. (Romans 12:1-2)

…values and carefully handles the scriptures. (2 Timothy 2:15)

…doesn’t pride himself on being knowledgeable in the sinful ways of the world. (1 John 2:15-16, James 4:4, Philippians 4:8)

A real man . . .
…isn’t embarrassed to worship God and pray in a group setting. (Mark 8:38)

…is wise, yet humble. (Proverbs 2:1-10, 1 Peter 5:5, Romans 12:16)

A real man . . .
…takes leadership in a self-sacrificing way. (Ephesians 5:25-28)

…is kind because, “What is desirable in man is his kindness” (Proverbs 19:22)

…doesn’t try to prove himself but is simply confident as he walks in the fear of the Lord. (Proverbs 14:26-27)

…doesn’t put others down with his actions, attitude, words, or his strength. But on the contrary, he affirms and builds others up (Proverbs 15:4, Ephesians 4:29)

A real man . . .
…treats his sisters and mother with as much respect as he would treat a prospective wife. (Matthew 25:21)

…not only respects but appreciates a young lady’s purity and innocence. In our culture innocence isn’t retained by accident. (2 Corinthians 11:2-3)

…values his purity as much as he values a young lady’s purity. He is not ashamed to live and act differently from the world in order to guard himself. (1 Thessalonians 4:1-8, Ecclesiastes 7:26)

…can look a girl straight in the eye without communicating any impurity. (Proverbs 20:11)

A real man . . .
…isn’t ashamed to identify himself with his family (Ephesians 6:2-3)

…is a gentleman. He is polite and shows women honor in everyday things such as opening doors, etc. (1 Peter 3:7)

…has no desire to be gross in order to impress other men. He doesn’t burp, swear, or tell disgusting stories. (Proverbs 13:5, Ephesians 5:4)

A real man . . .
…shows by his actions that he loves children. (Matthew 19:13-14)

…is pleasant and expresses joy rather than feeling that it’s masculine to be sullen. (Proverbs 21:29, 1 Thessalonians 5:16)

…doesn’t blame others for his own problems but embraces responsibility. (Proverbs 12:27)

…can accept correction (Proverbs 12:1, Proverbs 29:1)

A real man . . .
…is mature in his emotions and his expressions of them. He can deal with the trials of life logically, with wisdom, not on a basis of emotional instability. (Proverbs 14:29, Proverbs 17:27, Proverbs 12:18)

…understands the value of work and is financially responsible. (Colossians 3:23-24, 2 Thessalonians 3:10-12, Luke 16:10-11)

…expresses himself with intelligent words rather than using “street talk”. (Proverbs 17:20, Titus 2:6-8, 1 Peter 4:11, Ephesians 4:29)

So how do you deal with a God-given gift that you don't like?
I mean.. it's not even a selfish don't like... it's not like... oh I wish I could trade it in..
It's a gift that has been hindering me to see Jesus in them...
that sounds super weird... but... okay.
So I can read people really well and tell when they are being fake... and like I just know certain things about people
after just meeting them. like... God gives me vibes and clues to know the truth.
that sounds strange.
Example... I once met this guy who was a youth director (not mine)... and he was really nice, everyone loved him and so on and so on... well I knew something wasn't right. I could just feel it. And it was a feeling that I know was from God. He made me uncomfortable, and I questioned everything he did and his motives.. Well the longer he was working in his church the more all this stuff started to surface about him. Eventually he was let go... and I had been telling my parents the entire time that I had these feelings... well that's just one example...
and it stinks because there are people in my life right now that I know are really being fake, and I can see things in them that people can't see, and it is hurting me SO much because I don't know if I can tell anyone without them being hurt... because everyone loves them... these people I usually get vibes about are good people, who have lots of friends and everyone loves them... ugh..
I hate so much that I don't even feel comfortable.. and I'm afraid that more people (than I know already have) will get hurt by these people... This gift drives me crazy...
I know God has given it to me for a reason.. and I just need to keep on praying to figure it all out... but yeah..
okay.. so if you made it through that you're probably super confused... haha... try being in my head!! lol.
anyway.. have a good night... I'm going to go read some of His Word and rest my mind! Love you!

wow wow wow.
so much going on in my life right now!
Most of it is interpersonal, but there's also a ton of stuff coming up with youth group and stuff. God is going to do big things in this town, and I cannot wait to see what happens!! What a huge movement.
The past couple days I've been thinking back to school a lot with a particular situation.
Who would have ever thought I'd look back to the POET Analysis?! Yeeesh! I'm sure none of you know what that is, because I think the professor I had made it up. To put it simply... it's a process that takes years, but it involves introducing yourself into a culture, becoming part of the culture, living like them, observing them, asking them questions and then, once you have built up their trust, gained a greater understanding of their beliefs you integrate the gospel with what they believe and find some common connections to get them to understand what you're getting at.
Anyway... I've been using this thought process as I talk with a student. It's amazing how quickly trust and friendship can be built just by listening. God is AMAZING, and I know that He's going to use me somehow. I might not be the person she comes to when she gives her life to Jesus, and that's ok, but I pray that I can plant and water seeds. I pray that just by her seeing me, and hearing the way I talk she might understand Jesus a little more.
I've got to wholely trust in the Lord for this one-- there's nothing I can do.

on a whole other note...
I'm lonely.. if you're in Spencer for the long term, short term, or want to come let me know!! It would be great to have someone to talk to or hang out with or just know that someone else is in this town!! :)

This week's Made-For-TV-Moment...
Friday night I babysat 2 kids. Ages 9 and 1. Not bad right, well their Great Grandma was there too!!
ohhh my goodness. I think she thought I was a super idiot. She kept like wanting me to only pay attention to the 1 year old. She was like telling me to pick her up, put her down, give her milk, give her cheerios, then she would say mean things about the 9 year old right in front of her. Like, she needs to just lay still and not even move b/c that's distracting for the baby. And if she would just stop having fun the baby might sleep. And getting mad at her for wanting to tlak to me and play with me. Like I was teaching the 9 year old a hand clapping game while teh great grandma was playing with the baby.. .well suddenly the great grandma got upset about that and told me I needed to stop paying attention to the 9 year old because the baby didn't like being left out of it... ahh. and the baby would cry when I left her on the ground so I would pick her up and she would almost fall asleep and the grandma would be like, okay put her down now. So I would and like a minute later the grandma would tell me to pick her back up like... what were you thinking putting her down hahaha... it was a fiasco!!

I've been a little obsessed with this song lately...
so good!!

I love it!!
Minus the whole being alone nearly 24 hours a day... that's a little weird.
My place is great, it's so spacious and I hope that EVERYONE comes to visit! Seriously, I have pizza in the freezer and pop in the fridge.
I'll try to post some pictures on here, if they don't work check out my new facebook album!

I'm sorry that I'm negative
that I push people away
that I'm afraid of losing you as a friend.
I'm sorry that I get angry
that I don't communicate well
that I'm not just like everyone else.
I'm sorry I don't let go of my mom being sick
that I can't get past that she might not live until I get married
that she's my BEST FRIEND in the ENTIRE world!!

I know now that this is why my life is the way it is.
I'm sorry.
Please, forgive, me and give me another chance.
Life doesn't work well without friendships.

What an encouragement... not.

Is it true? I know I'm not the most popular, most beautiful, most perfect, nicest, thoughtful, lovable person, but am I worthy of having no "friends"
You say I have friends, you might even say you'd call yourself a friend of mine... think of this, when is the last time you HONESTLY thought of me just because, or called me, or facebooked me or sent me a note. I know I'm not the best at this, but I try to keep in contact with people. I fall short sometimes, but I make an effort. It's not daily, it might not even been weekly, but I try, I really do try.
My facebook wall is reflecting how I feel about my friendships.
You, my one true friend at the moment- thank you, thank you for helping me to remember how much Christ loves me, thank you for being the only person to listen to me when I'm scared out of my mind that my mom might not make it to see me get married, thank you for just letting me vent, thank you for texting me just to say hi... thank you!!

I think that I say "my life could be a tv show" once a week, on average.
I would like to share with you today's made-for-tv moment.

8:00am: I was awakened by my mothers bloody murder scream. At that moment I had two choices: 1. Assume I'm dreaming and roll over, or 2. Find out if she's okay. Well, I didn't want to move so I shouted to her to find out if everything was alright. She hollered back for me to just stay in my room. I've heard that before... there was a bat in the house. Sweet.
Mom called upstairs to Pete and told him to come downstairs to get it. Well, he came down and couldn't find it at first so he went back upstairs, and mom started to blow dry her hair. I could hear the dishes on the buffet outside my room clanging around. Well, turns out the bat was hanging around in the china. Pete couldn't get to it, or so he said. Then, they both left for work/school. Sweet. I told them i wasn't leaving my room until the bat was gone. Well, gram called and wanted me to go furniture shopping with her. I told her the story then I told her not to come over. Within 5 minutes her and gramp pulled up in the driveway. Great. I was mad. I wasn't going to open my door and risk that bat flying into my room. Well gram opened the door anyway... and the first thing I saw was gramp... He was wearing elbow high gloves, had a fishing net in one hand and a tennis racket in the other. HA. They were fumbling around trying to find it (with no success). Gram started walking around the house with a broom banging on things yelling "Here batty batty batty"...all the while I was sitting on my bed with my face in my hands wondering if this really was my life... it's been qutie a day...

So, I have begun a new season in my life.
I'm finishing my last two classes at ILCC, I have a new full-time job, today I'm getting an apartment on my own, and I'm learning to be more independent. I'm moving on from camp. After 5 summers I realized that my time is done there. I would love to go back and help out or bring kids, but I was able to see that God doesn't need me to continue my ministry there, at least for now. It was a really really tough summer, and I praise God that I made it and was able to glorify Him during those months!!
As I head into this new seson I pray for His guidance and I pray for myself to remember to trust Him. He is not only traveling right beside me, but he is standing ahead of me with and outstretched arm. What an image! I'll have many struggles coming into this new adventure. I'm going to struggle financially, I'm going to struggle with time, I'm going to struggle with lonliness, I'm going to struggle with patience, and I'm going to struggle with my mom not being fully healed from cancer. Praise the Lord that He is and will be carrying me, and even when it doesn't seem like it He has provided me with a great support. It won't always be the same people who can support me, and it may not seem like they care, but deep down inside they do.
I'm ready for whatever is going to come my way with this job. I know these kids need Jesus so much, and they need me to show them who He is and how much He loves them!! I'm really excited and super nervous to see what the Holy Spirit does to move through me!
I've got a lot going on, but I know that I can do it.

I'm going to leave you with a passage that sticks out to me right now.
Ecclesiastes 3:

1 For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
2 A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
3 A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
4 A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
5 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
6 A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
7 A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
8 A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.

9 What do people really get for all their hard work? 10 I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. 11 Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end. 12 So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can. 13 And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God.

14 And I know that whatever God does is final. Nothing can be added to it or taken from it. God’s purpose is that people should fear him. 15 What is happening now has happened before, and what will happen in the future has happened before, because God makes the same things happen over and over again.

I still hate you.

It's back. She's such a fighter.
Last night was the benefit.. oh my gosh, I cannot believe how much people can pray and love and give and just BE! I am humbled and blown away by the support my family has. The Lord is SO good, SO faithful, SO loving, and SUCH a great comforter! I know my mom is safe wrapped in His arms, and I know my dad has found strength in Him alone. I know my brother can sleep at night knowing that even though he may be home alone, he's NOT alone.
How dare I even think that any of this can be done by the doctor's hands alone.
As cliche as it may sound, I constantly find myself turning to Psalm 23. I love this... "He restores my soul..." YES! I'm feeling it!! I was broken, alone, abandon, frightened, confused, hurt, and so much more, but now I have found strength, I have found peace, hope, love , comfort, joy...only because of the restoration of my soul. God is so good!
My mom will fight. This cancer has nothing on her. I'm so excited for the day I can proclaim, very loudly, that my mom is CANCER FREE!
Until that day I will fight right beside her!!
She's my best friend. It's not time for me to lose my best friend.
Give Him the glory, honor and praise!!!

...too late, I am.

Well,
summer's almost over. Crazy.
I've been busy the past few weeks, I don't have the energy to write all about it, but know that I've been busy. haha. I applied for the YD job at BLC. I'm praying that it will all work out, and trusting that the Lord will put me exactly where I need to be this coming year. I'm not too worried about it, which is good because I don't need to be. I cannot do anything about it now.
God has been so good to me this summer, I just don't understand His love and grace, I just know how much I appreciate it. Hmm. God is good.
I suppose I need to start packing... baaaaah.

Thunderstorms are like my least favorite thing ever.
Right now they are a GREAT reflection on my life.
Today= Mom had pre-op stuff. She's having surgery tomorrow to remove the tumor and some stomach. [Why does her body reject drugs that are made to help? Why can't it just be zapped and disintegrated?] I'm heading up at 4 am (yep in 5 hours) to be with her before the surgery.
Work= I've got 4 videos that need to be done by Friday morning. Tomorrow I'll miss most of the day at work. How will I ever manage to get this all finished. I have tons of filming left to do, and SO much editing after that.
Boys= Hm, maybe I won't get into that one.
Friends= I'm so confused.
Jesus= I miss you, I've been spending less and less time with you... I'm so sorry.
Mom= please, never leave me.
Dad/Pete= I'm sorry we argue... I'm sorry I take all of my stress out on you.

Psalm 107:29
"He calmed the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed"

I hate feeling so alone. I know that there are people all over, but I really feel so broken down and alone, like there is no one who cares. I know that God is here for me, and that he'll always be my TRUE best friend, but how am I supposed to keep on without people here that I can talk to and trust and go to. It just seems like no one has enough time. I know that there are people who care, and I'm just being picky right now, but I'm so hurt that it's hard not to feel that way. Hmph. I wish my mom was healthy. I feel like once she got sick my entire life turned to crap. I need her, I will truly be alone if I lose her. I think it would be great to skip the country, not tell anyone where I'm going and start over, forget the past, and move on. Why doesn't it work that way?

so it's been hard to update recently.
www.caringbridge.org/visit/lisabuchan
is where you can find all the reasons why.
I'm back at camp though.
Tired as ever.

I can't update now because my body is screaming at me for 1. being TOO sunburned, and 2. waking up TOO early.

Goodnight.

I found this quote today..
I really like it.
"You give me the kind of feeling people write novels about."

I'm not buying clothes until this is over.
This will be the VERY first piece of clothing I purchase when this is through...
http://shop.cafepress.com/design/14152471

CANCER CAN SUCK IT!!!
This is the worst day of my life.
God is bigger than this, I know it. I need to have hope and faith that we're going to make it. God can do AMAZING things. It's not time for this to be over. I'm going to need strength from GOD ALONE these next few weeks.
I'm praying for a miracle.. that's all I can do.
I'm more afraid than I've EVER EVER been in my entire life... I don't want to lose my best friend.
I hate you, cancer.

I have never been this alone. I've got me and Jesus

Please please please please pray that it's not cancer.
I can't do this.
I need her so much.
If they do surgery and a transfusion let her be strengthened from it.
This is effecting me in terrible ways. I just can't be happy... and I don't want her to know that.
I'm scared that I'm slipping.
Don't leave me, mom.

I'm so scared.
so so scared.
If anything happens to her I will go crazy.
I can't handle this. At all. There's nothing anyone can say or do... it's all in God's hands. I just can't stop praying. I will never stop praying.

Surround me, O Lord. I'm so afraid.
I'm losing my friends and I'm afraid of losing my family too.
Heal my mom. I don't care if I don't have friends, God, but don't let anything happen to my mom. I'm so worried about her. Get rid of whatever is making her sick. I hate it.

Our first campers come today!! I'm soooo excited and soooo not ready. It's strange, because I can tell that I have a passion for one of my two roles so much more than the other. I'm trying harder to enjoy being a videographer, but my heart isn't there anymore. My heart is with my JCs. I cannot wait to see them continue growing and changing. I have seen a change in all 10 of those that were here this past week! It's been such a blessing to get to work with them and to be able to encourage them along their way! As for being videographer, I haven't gotten my shipment of tapes in yet, and I have approval of the 2nd song, but I need to find another- get approval and then buy them. yikes I'm going to be busy this week. I'll also being having one-on-ones with all of my on-site and support JCs and possibly a few senior counselors. I'm praying for a little time to be able to work on things for youth group as well. Our trip is right around the corner. I can't believe how soon it is. I really need to make sure our rooms get reserved and paid for and things like that. So, be praying for that entire situation. It's hard to be doing three jobs right now. I'm technically not even working for the church anymore and will not be able to be there until September if I decide that is where God wants me again. I've been thinking a lot about August, not worrying though, and trying to figure out what I want to do. there are so many possibilities and opportunities.

wow. Staff training is almost over. Campers come on Sunday.
Holy cow. The JCs are simply wonderful. I love them. I'm still having trouble feeling included. Like I just feel like people don't really want to be around me so sometimes I remove myself because when I'm around no one talks to me. I know I should just stick with it but I don't like to feel awkward and just standing there not included in conversation. No one means for it to happen... it just does. I should be enjoying all this alone time but it's so hard to see people bonding and not feel included in much of that. And it's really hard to like see people that I have been friends with not want to maintain friendships. Like, it's weird because it's almost like well I know we're friends so I'm not going to talk to you much. I'm a firm believer in maintaining friendships as well as making new ones. I know that people don't see things the same way, and that's alright. I'm learning to deal with it. Some of my friends are doing a good job with still wanting to hang out and stuff and I certainly have made new friends who are amazing. On an entirely different note.. I got these 7 spider bites at Riverside on the 26th of May and for the most part they are looking a little better. They still itch pretty bad, but there is one on my right arm that is bruising. Weird. I think my cousin who is a doctor is home this weekend so I might ask her to take a look and see what she thinks. Riverside was amazing though. I love that place so much, and I would love to work there sometime. The people, the place, the atmosphere.. it's all soooo different. I have met some pretty amazing people there who I would love to keep in contact with. I just feel so accepted and welcomed there and I love that feeling a lot. It's fabulous to feel like people want you around and want to get to know you and want to keep in touch with you. Amanda just got here. I love her. Seriously, I'm glad I can be myself with her and Beth. I really really appreciate them and their laughter and kind words. I know that I'm blessed to live with them this summer.
Bah. I should get going we have Share Groups in a few minutes. Much love coming from Okoboji. Come visit, send me mail... whatever.

after an awesome week of meeting new people and enjoying amazing Christian fellowship things are back to normal. I'm back to second best, and I'm back to the usual nightly routine. I wish I was still at Riverside.

I have sooooo much I need to say.
It's just something I really want to tell someone. I'm afraid though.
Because, if I tell someone it might not happen the way I'd like, at least one thing I have to say. There's only one person I can think of that might actually care enough to listen. You know who you are, I'll probably tell you tonight... I want to scream. I want to shout it out. There's good, there's bad there's soooo much going on in my head right now!! Yikes!

Seriously, I need to COVER this situation in prayer.
If you'd like... you can pray for me to keep pressing on in the direction I'm headed and not to stray off the path that I'm going.
<3s

Best quite time ever today.
God was definitely leading me to see certain things and answering a lot of prayer.
I'm so very thankful for this week. Even though it's really difficult and confusing I'm learning so much, and trying my hardest to enjoy myself. I'm putting on a smile, because I'm afraid not to. I just wish my position was a little more clear for myself, and I wish that I knew exactly what I should be doing. It's weird. I also wish I could explain exactly how I was feeling.
blah.
Anyway.. i'm off to read a little more before supper.

Whoa! It's TUESDAY! Senior Counselors get here SATURDAY and then my JCs come NEXT SATURDAY! Yay!!!!
God is Good, All the Time!!!

This is it.
As I sit here, throwing things away, moving things around and organizing I realize that this could be the beginning of an end. As far as I know, this will be my last summer spent at Okoboji Lutheran Bible camp. Five summers and one full year of memories to sift through. I'm cleaning my room in hopes to clean up the rest of my life. I've got junk everywhere. I feel like, by letting my room stray to terrible disarray I'm letting Satan in. I know it sounds weird and probably far-fetched, but seriously, I'm not happy when my room is a mess. It's frustrating, overwhelming, and upsetting for me when I walk into my room and see stuff everywhere. I think I have ADD. I would LOVE to be able to just clean it up, or not let it get messy. However, every time I clean it I end up doing something else. Example: I'm writing this blog right now. How ironic. haha. At any rate, I'm getting it done, I've go my facebook closed and I'm close to closing Twitter too. I've got three and a half drawers that need to be filled and a pile of clean clothes on my floor. The pile of junk on my bed needs to be sorted and then I'll be good. I can do this. I need to do this. If I don't get this straighted up I will not go into my (possibly)last summer here in a good mood. I want to make this the best it can be and glorify God with every single thing I do, say or think. He's got to be number one or the Word will not be shared.
All I can think of right now is that song:
"He's my Rock my Sword my Shield, my Wheel in the middle of the wheel, My Lily of The Valley, my Bright and Morning Star. Makes no difference what you say, I'll get on my knees and pray. I'll get down until the day of Jesus Christ [woo pow]."
He is and I will!!
This summer is going to rock because God will allow it to rock. I will not let Satan have a foothold here and I will not let him ruin my summer. No way, no how!
Amen?

Lately I've been feeling very content with my life as a single woman seeking God's heart. I like that I am free to do what I want... meaning that my plans are my plans and I don't really have to consider anyone else. I like that I can have as much or as little alone time as I please. I like not having to talk on the phone at all, or text anyone if I don't want to. I like staying away from my computer for an entire two days and not worrying about if I'm missing anything. I like being able to tell people I'm unattached. I like not having to worry about looking good for someone. I like almost everything about this. Sure, it would be fun and all, but right now I'm so in love with God that it doesn't matter to me. I look around and see so many happy couples... and then I look closer and see so much work, so much hurt, so much sacrifice...I don't think I'm ready for any of that.
We had Godfathers for supper the other night there were like 3 younger couples in there, two that were probably just dating and one that had like three kids, but couldn't have been more than 5 years older than me. I watched these couples, one of them, probably in high school, looked just so love-struck they hardly talked to each other, just giggled and looked at each other... it was cute at first, then it was just like... blah! haha, they were so... happy that it was almost fake. The second couple had probably been dating for a while and they seemed to carry on a long conversation but didn't look at each other much and the guy hardly smiled.
The third couple...with the kids, looked COMPLETELY unhappy... the children were adorable, they sat quietly...giggled once in a while... and seemed to be very polite. But, no matter what happened the mom would bark some kind of orders, her eyebrows were almost touching because she had them pinched together so tightly, and her husband or whatever just sat there and took it all and did whatever she told him to do.
While I looked around I realized my life is great. I know it's worth the challenge and tough times to be with someone, but right now I'm so happy to have my focus in one place and not have to divide it up.
I'm working toward knowing God better, and praying that my future husband is doing the same thing. I can't wait to meet Him someday on our journeys, but until then I'm going to keep heading this direction and learn as much as I can.
God's got a plan and I'm trying my best not to get in the way!

haha.. just go here and "demand it"

It would be kind of cool to get a band like this in Spencer.

Hey kids!
I realized that I forgot to show you my new glasses!!
So, here they are!



Today is the LAST day of YMT! Ahh! I've got ABC scavenger hunt tonight at church. I'm praying the rain will be out of the area by the time it starts, if not I'll come up with a plan "b" this afternoon.
Tomorrow I'm having lunch with Jame! I'm sooo excited!! I need good girlie Jesus time.
Anyway, I should get going, I don't want to be late on my last day. :)
Adios!

I'm in love.
with...

1. Jesus
2. Love
3. FF5
4. Amazing true-blue friendships!
5. My family
6. Prayer
7. Understanding
8. Journals
9. Beautiful weather
10. Talking on the phone with mom
11. Laughing
12. Zyrtec

I think I'll be okay if I don't come back next year.

This year I have felt the most betrayed, the most hurt, and the most unpopular I have ever felt in my life. You wouldn't think that that would happen at a place like this. Well, at least I didn't. I HATE being the last to know EVERYTHING or NEVER KNOWING anything. It makes me feel really dumb when I don't know what going on and everyone else acts like its so obvious. It hurts me so much to feel that much like an idiot. For once I want someone to INFORM me! I think my entire life will be like this. I can't escape it. What I really want right now is to move back home with my parents and work somewhere dumb like mcdonalds. They seems to be the only people who consider my feelings and love me. I know that God does, I trust that. It's just really hard when everyone that surrounds you doesn't show you that. I haven't felt like I'm living in a Christian community ever since Christmas... and I hate it. I hate it so much. It hurts me to look around at this place and see that it's everywhere. It's within every single person here, myself included. Maybe everyone feels this way and I don't know. Maybe everyone is hurt by everyone. I hate being me. I want to be someone else, someone who knows things someone who has a ton of friends, someone who gets phone calls, someone who has people come visit, someone who gets along with everyone, someone who can sweet talk my way into whatever I want. I'm tired of being me, because obviously it's not working. Everyone says be yourself... well what do you do when no one likes the real you?

wow.
so, last night as I put together my "big project" I was listening to a song that really just hit me, hard. It's kind of funny because it's by Michael W. Smith and it's pretty cliche, but I just love the lyrics for this season of my life.

"Packing up the dreams God planted
In the fertile soil of you
Cant believe the hopes hes granted
Means a chapter in your life is through
But well keep you close as always
It wont even seem youve gone
cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

Chorus:
And friends are friends forever
If the lords the lord of them
And a friend will not say never
cause the welcome will not end
Though its hard to let you go
In the fathers hands we know
That a lifetimes not too long to live as friends.

With the faith and love gods given
Springing from the hope we know
We will pray the joy youll live in
Is the strength that now you show

But well keep you close as always
It wont even seem youve gone
cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong"

It's been such a great year for me to learn so much about the Lord, myself, my friend, and just...life. I could never regret my decision to work here full time, and I pray that God may have me back or keep me involved. With summer coming so fast it's really hard to realize that after this morning we will never be together as a YMT staff again. After today we start going separate ways. We'll be together with a bunch of other people, but not as the group we've spent so long with. There's so much I wanted to do this year, but it just didn't work out, that doesn't mean it wasn't a great year, it means that God had other plans that ended up being FAR better than mine.

I suppose I should get going, I have to put the finishing touches on my project before everyone gets to work.
Much love being sent from me to you!

I'm done with classes until fall! Yippie!!!
Summer is getting SO close, I'm super excited!!! I am going to have a fabulous group of JCs this summer. God is going to do such great things with our staff, I can already tell.
It'll be interesting to see if I update much throughout the summer, I pray that I will be able to because it's a great outlet and it's good for me to get my thoughts in order and keep me accountable.
anywhooo I'm the most tired I've been in a looong time so I'm hitting the hay.
Goodnight!!

When I'm doing homework, all I feel like doing is blogging?
haha. Lame. I'm listening to Life 96.5, I think it's my favorite radio station. So good. I'm getting really excited for Saturday and taking my girls to Sioux Falls. They're all really fabulous, even the ones who don't come on Wednesday. I just pray that I'm reaching them through God.
Alright, I have 3 more papers to write for Marriage and Family. After that I'll watch nine hours of video for Abnormal Psych. (boo!!!) and write 2 page papers on each one. ...oh life. I really hope I never do something this dumb again.

I'm posting what I need to get done...by tuesday.
Things in italics I have done... PTL!

A. Two exams are required: After you have taken an exam and it is graded, it will be on file in the center or campus library.

1.Mid-term exam given after Unit/Program 6

2.Final exam given after Unit 13

3.The majority of these exams will be primarily objective, there are also some short answer/essay questions on each exam. (100 points possible on each exam)

B. Required Papers. The papers are responses after viewing the programs. Write a summary of each program, including the main points and your reaction to the program. These papers will be due as follows: Unit 1-Unit 3, Unit 4-Unit 6, Unit 7-Unit 9, and Unit 10-Unit 13. Please submit papers in typewritten form, double-spaced, two pages in length for each program. (20 points possible on each Unit paper for a total of 260 points)

All assignments must be completed by May5, 2009.

NEXT CLASS

Essay Paper: Please choose 1 of the following topics to write a short (2-3 pages, double spaced, typed) essay paper. Point value of this assignment = 50 points. Essay paper is due by May 5, 2009.

1.Write an essay explaining the difference between family course development theory and family systems theory.
2.Write an essay exploring the ways in which the contemporary family is different from that of previous generations.
3.What arguments characterize the nature-nurture debate in terms of gender and behavior? Write an essay explaining the evidence presented on both sides, as well as some general conclusions of researchers.
4.Write an essay comparing the micro and macro reasons couples break up, along with examples of each.

ASSIGNMENTS: **Students are expected to adequately answer each of the following 18 assignments/questions and turn them in for grading. This will require students to think about the individual lessons. EACH QUESTION IS WORTH 10 POINTS. It will be an advantage to complete the questions for each unit BEFORE taking the exam.

March 6, 2009: Assignments 1-9 and Unit exams 1 & 2 due
May 5, 2009: Assignments 10-18 and Unit exams 3,4,& 5 due
Any work turned in past the due date will not be graded UNLESS you have made arrangements with your instructor.

Course Requirements: Complete the 18 video program assignments
Complete the 5 unit exams (2 done)
Complete an Essay Paper on topics from the list provided
All assignments and exams must be completed by May 5, 2009.

I'm trying SO hard to bite my tongue.
...I'm so afraid I'm going to snap and quit talking to this person altogether. I want to talk about it calmly but, I really don't want to talk about it all. Ahh. Please, just say ONE non-complaining thing to me if you're going to talk to me. I mean, everyone complains sometimes, I do it a lot... but that seems to be the ONLY thing you can say to me. I can't remember the last time we had a normal conversation.
Sorry to everyone who just read my little vent... I can't figure out how to make these private yet. Don't worry, it's not against you...and not many of you know this person anyway.

Possibly my new favorite song:

If You Want Me To- Ginny Owens

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Chorus:
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

ya oh oh no

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I go through the valley If You want me to

I've got so much on my mind.
It's really frustrating because my mind is going 1,000 different directions and my heart is going 1,000 directions that are even different from my mind. Nothing is matching up. I really need like, a week where I can let my mind be blank. No thinking about school, work, social life, interviews, cleaning, anything. Just a blank mind. I pray that will come soon.
I'm so afraid that I'm not going to have everything done and what I do have done won't be done well. I have 2 weeks to do what needs to be done. I'm freaking out.
This is it. This year is coming to and end.
I've learned SO SO SO SO much... about this job, about people, about God... and the most about myself. There's so much I need to change. The person I am is such a failure. Seriously. I have only seen flaws this year, and that's all I've had pointed out to me. That's hard to take, but so needed... it shows me just how much I need to change. I feel bad for my parents, I don't want them to think that they suck at raising children... Seriously, they are amazing. No matter what anyone says about them, they are wonderful, loving, caring, God fearing people. They love my brother and I so much, and we love them back. It hurts me SO MUCH BEYOND belief when someone says something bad about my family. Like seriously, I don't' want to even think about it anymore it hurts so much. Ugh.
I really cannot wait to see if I can make it on my own someday. Someday might be soon, or in a couple years, but it will be interesting. Will I be able to keep my place clean? Will I be able to sleep through the night without being afraid? I just don't know, and I want to find out. It's so strange getting older. I never actually thought I'd be in this position.
Like most girls, I just assumed that I'd graduate from high school, go to college, meet the man of my dreams, get married right out of college and never have to be alone. Ha. I sure was wrong. I feel like that part of my life is YEARS away.
I'm too shy, I'm too --yuck. Lets just not go there right now. It's hard to face the facts. I'm learning though. I'm slowly learning.
On another note. I feel like I'm losing you. It hurts me so much. I knew it would happen, it always does. I just hoped it wouldn't. Friendships can't last forever, no matter how hard I try. I can't make anyone want to be my friend, and I can't make anyone communicate with me. It's just the way it is. Hmph.
I should be going to bed, I've got a really long day ahead of me, which is am not prepared for in the slightest. It should be an interesting day.
If you think of it, I need prayers. For everything.

Music- Invisible -Taylor Swift (Pandora)

I don't know who wrote this story, but I really like it. It's well worth the quick read. My prayer for myself is that I will not judge anymore.

A store owner was tacking a sign above his door that read "Puppies For Sale."
Signs like that have a way of attracting small children, and sure enough, a little boy appeared under the store owner's sign. "How much are you going to sell the puppies for?" he asked.
The store owner replied, "Anywhere from $30 to $50."
The little boy reached in his pocket and pulled out some change. "I have $2.37," he said. "Can I please look at them?"
The store owner smiled and whistled and out of the kennel came Lady, who ran down the aisle of his store followed by five teeny, tiny balls of fur.
One puppy was lagging considerably behind. Immediately the little boy singled out the lagging, limping puppy and said, "What's wrong with that little dog?"
The store owner explained that the veterinarian had examined the little puppy and had discovered it didn't have a hip socket. It would always limp. It would always be lame.
The little boy became excited. "That is the puppy that I want to buy."
The store owner said, "No, you don't want to buy that little dog. If you really want him, I'll just give him to you."
The little boy got quite upset. He looked straight into the store owner's eyes, pointing his finger, and said, "I don't want you to give him to me. That little dog is worth every bit as much as all the other dogs and I'll pay full price. In fact, I'll give you $2.37 now, and 50 cents a month until I have him paid for."
The store owner countered, "You really don't want to buy this little dog. He is never going to be able to run and jump and play with you like the other puppies."
To his surprise, the little boy reached down and rolled up his pant leg to reveal a badly twisted, crippled left leg supported by a big metal brace. He looked up at the store owner and softly replied, "Well, I don't run so well myself, and the little puppy will need someone who understands!"

I am full of JOY!
Things aren't going to bother me... I will not let them.
I need to just look at the up-side. As in, I don't have a Blackberry like everyone else in my family, but I did get my dad's hand-me-down LG, which is leaps and bounds better than my stupid LG sliding piece of poop. haha.
I saw an old friend. that was good.
I will not worry about not having a boyfriend anymore...will not.
It's not my place to worry anymore.. it's all in God's plan- not mine.
We are about to watch Doubt. I'll have to let you know how it is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Hf3BtISrmE


PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE watch this!!
this is the video our staff made this spring to the song that Dan wrote.

Yay!

I'm so happy.
Today was wonderful. I was planning on going to bed at like 10:15, but then I started thinking about how amazing today was, and I couldn't sleep.
Many many reasons... the final thing that happened though was probably the highlight. Melissa and I went fishing from like 8:30-10:00. It was great!! There were two guys there to help us figure it all out and it was just relaxing..and it was still like 75 degrees so it was beautiful. What a great day.
God is SO amazing!!!!! :)

I'm blogging.
Hi Amanda.
I'm suuuuuper tired right now. We are watching Rent, but I think I'll probably hit the hay pretty soon. I need to put away my new clothes and stuff before I can get to bed.
I cannot believe that in less than a month I'll be done with the YMT. It's such a crazy, and scary thought. I don't know what's going on next year. Like, will I have my job back, should I search for something else, go back to school? I just don't know what to do. I suppose I don't need to know what to do. I know that God has taken care of me already. I need to remember that i have given Him my burdens and I don't need to take them back. It's a constant struggle and definite battle. I need to keep spending more and more time in prayer and in The Word. I really should read some before I go to bed. Jame and I haven't talked about the Psalms lately, we'll haev quite a bit of catching up to do when we have a chance to chat about it. Life is just SO busy this time of year, it's unbelievable. I should also be working on homework soon. yikes. I'm a little frightened for that.
I wish I didn't require so much sleep... I'm sooooo tired, booo.
g'night world. Viele Liebe.

how do you know when to invite yourself...and know that you're not intruding. Is it fair for me to sit alone and wonder? I hate feeling like an intrusion. ugh.
I wish I was more daring, even if that means being annoying... It beats sitting alone, pretending to be asleep.

amazing weekend.
I'm so surrounded by Christ's love... always and it just makes me so happy.
I have joy really overflowing from me. The conversations I had this weekend were beyond amazing and really powerful.
I'm struggling SO much right now though, with the unknown. I wish I knew what was coming and I wish I knew what to expect and what I'm looking forward to.
I wish I knew what to do about certain family things. There's nothing I want more than to make him happy and to let him know how loved he is. I'm so worried that he had no idea that he's SO loved and SO appreciated and So amazing. He's my brother I will never ever let him go.

I think I really like doing interviews. I love being able to hear the stories these kids have to tell, and the experiences that they will bring to camp this summer. Things have been fabulous lately. God is SO good.
I have done 3 interviews so far, I have one more in about 10 minutes and I have two tomorrow, one Sunday, and I'm waiting to hear back from three people. I'm just so thrilled and honored to be in this position! yay!!

Psalm 12 is much like the past few Psalms. Disappointing myself once again.
I'm not working hard enough. I don't know where to begin.

Verse 7: O LORD, you will keep us safe
and protect us from such people forever.
Protect me from myself? ugh.
It's hard for me to focus on this when I'm thinking about Joe. Today would have been his 22nd birthday. I just don't understand why this happened. I'm sad that we didn't stay as good of friends as we were. He really was my best friend for about 2 years. He knew everything about me those two years. I really wish I had kept in touch with him better and told him how much he meant to me in those years. He was the most perfect first boyfriend I could have asked for.
I just pray that his mom and sister are doing alright. I'm worried about them.
They need to realize how much Jesus loves them.

I'm searching for something.

It's so wrong. I'm not suppose to search, it's just supposed to happen.

I'll put my magnifying glass away and close my eyes and open my heart.

Watch this.

http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=39572

Amazing. Seriously.

How many times have I felt like this Psalmist. Verse 1...right off the bat. He says "Why, oh Lord, do you stand far off? Why do you hide Yourself in times of trouble?"
Oh golly... I feel that way too many times. To continue, I AM the person he's speaking of in the following verses. It reminds me SO much of that LeCrae song. I think I blogged about it earlier. I am the wicked one. I make so many mistakes, and I sin so often. It's frustrating. I always say that I want to be away from it... but it's just so hard. I gossip, I lie, I steal, I lust...the list goes on. I was reading about sins the other day, and I didn't realize how often I steal and probably even cheat. I steal people's time way too often. I really think it's cheating... and probably a lie when I drive too fast, or break rules during a game. I really upset myself.
Here is what I love, however, about this chapter... "You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry"
He hears me when I'm down, He knows when I'm pleading for help. He listens when I'm unrighteous complaining and upset.
Praise Him on this day for His life.
Easter is amazing. I don't think about it enough... but he BEAT DEATH... no one ever could do that again. EVER. And... he endured the most painful, terrible, awful, horrifying death of all time before he beat it. he did it so that I NEVER have to even think about what eternal life in hell would be like. He loves me.
He loves you.
He IS love.

I'm all nervous now.
We have our sleepover tonight. It's like an excited nervous. I know it's going to be awesome, and I just pray that God is completely glorified. I'm also afraid that the girls are going to miss the meaning of a SLEEPOVER... that means sleep. haha. we have quite a few that have things going on on Friday so they want to sleep. I might just have to make a "sleeping room". I know it's going to be just fine, and I really need to stop stressing out about it. You know what would be awesome... if Family Force 5 showed up. they are in the MW today. I'm very sad that I can't make it to their show. but, since I'll be at an all-nighter and they will be heading north... haha... I'm going to pray that they happen to drive on highway 71 and see lights on in the church and stop in and say hi. eeeek! :)

I'd love to have this.

God and His timing... sweet. :)

The other night my phone rang at 2:30am with a restricted ID... twice. The first time I just thought it was creepy and blew it off. The second time, I hit ignore and attempted to go back to sleep. The longer I waited for a voicemail, though, the more my heart pounded and thoughts raced through my mind. All I could think about was bad things. I kept thinking that someone was calling because something terrible happened. I laid in bed and let my heart pound so loud in my hears and let my mind race to unexplainable possibilities until I had exhausted myself and decided to pray until I fell back asleep.
Stupid... that I let something little like that ruin my good night's sleep.
God hears our calls in the night when we need Him.
Thus, the verse that stuck out to me was verse 8.
8)In peace I will both lie down and sleep;
for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.

Amazing.
Why have I not read Psalm 3 more intently before??
I'm SO glad Jamie and I are reading through the Psalms together.
I did something nerdy, and awesome. I recorded myself reading it and I hope I can listen to it enough to memorize it!!
SO good!!


I prefer ESV. I really just love the language.
I think my favorite parts are:

5)I lay down and slept;
I woke again, for the LORD sustained me.
6)I will not be afraid of many thousands of people
who have set themselves against me all around.

Verse 5 reminds me of when I was little and learned the prayer "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the LORD my soul to keep" The Lord wakes me every single morning. 7680...that's how many days I have woken up. Amazing. How can we not recognize Him?!
Verse 6 really makes me think. Why am I so afraid of non-believers when I want to tell them about Him? They are EVERYWHERE around me, I shouldn't be afraid. What's the worse that can happen??...they'll kill me? Well, in that case I'm heading to Heaven. They could hurt my pride, or make fun of me I suppose... but I still have HIM. I will still wake up in the morning, and he will still bless me abundantly.

It's something I need to work on, definitely... but I have no reason not to share the good news. I mean, really, don't I want EVERYONE to join me in Heaven? I shouldn't be so selfish and keep the good news to myself.
Praise the Lord!!

Reading the Psalms is wonderful. :)

God is amazing. I cannot think of any other word right now.


I need to go to church... about half an hour ago.
Youth group from 7-8:30. After Easter we really need to dig in. Any suggestions?

I love my job, I really do.
I just hate that I spend so much time in front of a computer screen while everyone else is out having fellowship. It's so hard for me to feel included, and happy when I get to watch everyone having fun from behind the lens of a camera. There is a reason why I didn't keep going with videography. I am definitely settling. I shouldn't. It's too late now, but I cannot do this anymore...no more settling. I miss too much, I know that it shouldn't be all about me and I don't want it to be, but I don't think I should feel upset at the end of the day. I want to get joy out of this, and I'm not feeling it right now. It's so hard for me to sit upstairs and work on the video while I can look out the window, or listen below and know that everyone is laughing and having fun.
I'm complaining so much. I love doing video stuff, but I just wish I wasn't missing so much fun, and bonding, and laughter. I can't win. I need to grow up and get over it.
I'm so sorry for the negative and lame posts today. Please, don't judge me for these. Tomorrow's will be better... I promise.

for once I want to be the "popular" one.
I want someone to come talk to me for no reason, just to talk.
I want to come to someone's mind when they are thinking of someone to hang out with.
I want to not feel secluded.

not excited for the recharge... because it means taht I get to spend another few days sitting alone in front of the computer. I wish people would stop in and see me, or want to watch it, or stay up and talk or anything...
blah.

sorry for the negativity... just having a crappy day.

Things I'm thinking:

I'm so smart, I left my power cord for my computer in Spencer.

Tonight is my birthday party... I'm afraid everyone is going to ditch.. that seems to be my life story.

I have a stupid virus that might be turning into bronchitis. go figure.

My dad is about to go into surgery right now... I hope everything goes well

My little brother turned 18 today. weird.

I like to listen to the radio in the morning, but the talk radio stations don't come in very clear.

Things... people...parents of high school kids.... are weird. Idk what to think about it all.

Today, while we were singing I was watching shadows on the carpet. I was just so amazed that with the crescendos in our voices light was so much brighter, while we were singing softer and with less enthusiasm the light seemed to fade. God was definitely responding to us.
I am so in awe of Him every single time I take a moment to look around. I need to take moments more often. He is just so great.
I was reading some Proverbs out of The Message and I've always wanted to BE Proverbs 31, but I really like what The Message has to say.

10-31 A good woman is hard to find,
and worth far more than diamonds.
Her husband trusts her without reserve,
and never has reason to regret it.
Never spiteful, she treats him generously
all her life long.
She shops around for the best yarns and cottons,
and enjoys knitting and sewing.
She's like a trading ship that sails to faraway places
and brings back exotic surprises.
She's up before dawn, preparing breakfast
for her family and organizing her day.
She looks over a field and buys it,
then, with money she's put aside, plants a garden.
First thing in the morning, she dresses for work,
rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started.
She senses the worth of her work,
is in no hurry to call it quits for the day.
She's skilled in the crafts of home and hearth,
diligent in homemaking.
She's quick to assist anyone in need,
reaches out to help the poor.
She doesn't worry about her family when it snows;
their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear.
She makes her own clothing,
and dresses in colorful linens and silks.
Her husband is greatly respected
when he deliberates with the city fathers.
She designs gowns and sells them,
brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops.
Her clothes are well-made and elegant,
and she always faces tomorrow with a smile.
When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say,
and she always says it kindly.
She keeps an eye on everyone in her household,
and keeps them all busy and productive.
Her children respect and bless her;
her husband joins in with words of praise:
"Many women have done wonderful things,
but you've outclassed them all!"
Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades.
The woman to be admired and praised
is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God.
Give her everything she deserve

So good.
someday, I hope to be that woman.
Please.

-Servant

-Servant-Leadership

According to Robert Greenleaf a servant-leader is "servant first…It begins with the natural feeling that one wants to serve, to serve first." A servant first, not a leader first.

After being a servant, you may be inspired to become a leader. There is a big difference between a servant-first leader and a leader-first leader.

Who is a servant?

-Tends to needs of others

-Laborers

-Obedience is expected

-Belong to someone else

-Gives up reputation

This got me thinking…

I'd like to think that I'm a servant, but really, do I have these qualities? Do I need these qualities?

Our Professor asked us if we thought this statement was true: "Your reputation is all you have."

Yes? No?

1 Timothy 3:7- He must also have a good reputation with outsiders, so that he will not fall into disgrace and into the devil's trap. (NIV)

1 Timothy 4:12- Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity. (NIV)

Luke 7:33-34- For John the Baptist came neither eating bread nor drinking wine, and you say, 'He has a demon.' The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and you say, 'Here is a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and "sinners."

If you have any thoughts or anything I'd like to hear!

This morning our devo at our staff meeting was really great. I love it when Jan gives it. I wish I could remember the exact wording she used, but it really touched me. She spoke about how we like to compare our hurt to Jesus' hurt. How dare we? Jesus was PERFECT in every single way, completely sinless. He did nothing wrong. He died because we sin. I know we all hear this all the time, but it just hit me extra special today. Jesus died as SIN. We live IN sin. I often find myself complaining about little things, what gives me the right to complain about anything like I do? I wish I could stop, and I'm going to try. I can't imagine what it would be like... I will never be able to imagine.

I can't think anymore right now.

It's Jesus frickin' resurrection!

-Melissa

Well, it's official... I'm 21.
woo?


It was a good birthday, and it's been a good, but very busy few days.
We had a successful Talent Show and Servant Auction. I cannot believe the support that the congregation gave us, and the willingness of the kids to get out and volunteer their time, services and talents. I know that I shouldn't be surprised, but I'm overwhelmed by how wonderful the kids are. I'm just so happy about how much the love the Lord and how much potential they have. I'm not giving up on them... ever.

This is a quick post because there are people here, and I want to have some sweeet hang out time. :)

So, tomorrow- I'll be 21. Well more like an hour.
Wow... I can't believe the past year.. it's been crazy...crazy good. I've grown up so much, I've changed so much, I've fallen more in love with Jesus. I can't believe that a year ago I was sitting in my room at school wondering what things would be like right now. I couldn't have imagined this. The people I know, the things I've done and the ways I've been impacted.
I've been so blessed to be at my home church, serving the children I grew up babysitting, and working with the parents who have been like my parents for so long. Tomorrow something different begins. I'm already being treated differently. Like tonight at church... everyone was like...oh gona party tomorrow, and things like that. It's weird, b/c I'm not like that. I mean, I'm going to drink once in a while, but never excessively. I don't know... whatever.
Sooo, I don't know what else to type anymore because we just put in Twilight and I can't concentrate anymore.. I love this movie.

Today I'm feeling very contemplative.
I've got a lot on my mind...nothing in particular, just lots going on inside my head.
Moments ago, I picked up a book that I started reading in high school but only got to chapter 4. Now that I'm about to turn 21, I figure I might as well finish it. It's called "It's Not About Me: Live Like You mean it, Teen Edition." by Max Lucado.
I just read something that struck me. It said: "Tucked away in each of us is a hunch that we were made for forever and a hope that the hunch is true." Forever...that's a long stinkin' time. Like, I was just trying to imagine forever in my mind... then I came across an illustration, it basically said that our lives are like a grain of sand in the dunes of time. Wow.... and that's not even what forever is. It's really humbling to have that mental picture. Life is so short...but we can do so much with it. In the grand scheme of life, we're each here for a moment, but with our moment we can change the world. I need to step up, I need to step out, things have to change. I can't sit here in my comfort anymore. When my commitments are done- I'm getting out. That might be a couple years, but when that time comes I'm going to make a big change. As for right now, I'll make the changes I can.
Things are going to happen in my moment that will affect forever.

So, I'm in the midst of planning this summer's mission trip.
God has blessed it so much already. We have VERY affordable housing, GREAT kids, AMAZING chaperons, FABULOUS opportunities, and a MAGNIFICENT God!! :)
Things are going SO well, I don't know if I can handle the seriously greatness of everything!!

Rules
1)List as many things as you want to say to people, but never will.
2)Don't say who they are.
3)Never discuss it.
4)Doesn't always have to be bad.

1. I tihnk you're fake
2. I wish you knew how beautiful you are.
3. Sometimes you annoy me.
4. You're lazy, and it makes me SO sad.
5. Jesus is trying to get your attention... please see Him soon.
6. I'm so jealous of you.
7. Being friends with you scares me, so much that I'm afraid not to be friends with you.
8. <3
9. Teach me everything you know, I think you're a genius
10. You know you're intimidating and you use it to your advantage
11. I'm glad it's over.
12. Sometime it'd be nice if you called me first.
13. Grow a pair.
14. I wish there was some way for me to know if the idea I have about you is true.
15. You're the reason why I cry.
16. I can't be myself when I'm with you.
17. Every boy likes you. I hate that.
18. How are you so sweet to everyone, I envy that.
19. Your faith inspires me
20. You will be a terrible mother.
21. I don't like your boyfriend, I just pretent to.
22. I've been keeping the secret you told me...I always will, please remember that you can trust me.
23. You'll always outdo me, I'm getting used to it.
24. Someone warned me about you... I should have listened
25. I wish I could date you. We have so much in comon.
26. There are certain things you do just to annoy me... grow up.
27. You mean the world to me.
28. Without your friendship, I would be truly lost.
29. You've given me hope.
30. I'm not a fool.

today I really started to realize that I'm shy. Not like afraid to talk shy, but I just prefer to listen.
I prefer to have a someone start a conversation and take the lead. I'm not a big fan of being in control of it, or having the spotlight.

Interesting.

Valentine's day. Blah.
one roommate got breakfast in bed, the other got mystery flowers. I got... 4 hours of sleep and a day alone in my office. grand.

I'm being a negative nelly right now, forgive me.
Hopefully I can get over myself long enough to enjoy hanging out with the girls tonight. I need it.

Maybe next year I'll get a valentine.

the end.

Today I'm rearranging my room.
It's quite a task since it definitely wasn't picked up before I started. I don't think I'll ever do that again. I'm not going to have time to finish this afternoon, so I suppose tomorrow after my meetings I can come back home and finish up. This is my busy Wednesday week, and next week is my busy Tuesday week. I kind of like it when things start to pick up a little. It's less boring that way. Not that rearranging my room is boring at all.

Tonight Melissa and I are heading to the OC to dance the night away. It should be fun. :) I really miss that place a lot. I still don't know what I'm going to wear. I know I'll wear jeans and my boots.. but otherwise, I don't know what top I'll wear. I guess I should call someone for advice haha.


as a personal note..
I don't understand myself sometimes. ...I need to work on that.

Conviction? Yep.
It's over. I'm moving on, and changing. I hope.

I had a really great afternoon. I went grocery shopping and got only fresh food, so wonderful. Lots and lots of grains, fruits and veggies. woo. There were also other reasons for my glee. :)
Sometimes I wonder just how things like this happen to me? hmm.
Anyway.
Grandma had back surgery yesterday. Dad and I drove up at 4:30am. It was suuuch a long drive, and rush hour traffic was incredible. We made it though. We got there and they were prepping her for surgery. The surgeon showed us her MRI and where her disc had ruptured. The cartilage from the rupture was pushed up and was pinching her spinal cord, it was no wonder she couldn't walk or anything. Well, he pulled out a thumb size piece of cartilage and she is now able to walk and she's pain free. Amazing. The only thing that still hurts is the site of the incision. Praise God!
Other than that... Life is pretty average. I feel super busy, but it's not really much I can prepare for, just things I have to do. It's so crazy that the older I get the busier I am. It's a little scary to think about how things will be a few years from now if it keeps going this way. I was looking at my calendar today and the entire month of February I have something going on every single day, and only 3 open days in March. Ahhh! Luckily I have planned in 2 days of fun at the end of February. :) Yay!!
Tomorrow for church I'm going to introduce my skirt dress creation to the world haha. I found a really cute floor length skirt at Goodwill and I turned it into a tube top dress and put a belt at the waste. I'm adding a denim jacket and gold leggings to make it an outfit. Woo hoo. I'll have to take some pictures and post them later. Hopefully it'll be cute.
Anyway, I am going to watch a movie and fall asleep. Big day tomorrow.
<3

The winter games are so fun.
It's just to just go out and enjoy being silly on the ice with everyone.
We played softball together, then Kelly, Tim and I went to the burning of the greens and the fireworks. I couldn't ask for a better job right now. I wouldn't be friends with them if it weren't for this place :)

Fireworks!


Burning of the greens!!


Frozen hair... It was SOOO crazy!!!


The crazy hot air balloons that were hanging out on the greenspace!


part of our amazing softball team at 7:00am.. yeah, awesome.

Okay wow.
God is SO good.
I feel like that's how I start all of my blogs haha, but it's the complete truth. Tuesday morning I found out some of the best news since the beginning of 2009. Ready for it?.... dun dun duuuuun... I'm going to be Videographer and JC Coordinator this summer!! I'm soooo excited, a little frightened about how busy I'll be, but God's going to take care of me. It's going to be a great summer of ministry though! :) Yay.
Allllso, on a different note. It's like 7:15 in the morning, I really don't have to be up today until like 8. Buuut, here's the deal. I woke up and went to the bathroom, because that's the way it works, I always have to go to the bathroom right before I have to wake up. Anyway. I came back into my bedroom it's dark out, but getting lighter, and like from the window I can only see white snow and some tree branches and a house or two. Well, the white outside just happens to be the same white as my walls. I walked into my room and my mirror is in front of the window. I could see that there was "something outside" and I was trying to figure it out... like maybe a big truck or something. so I came a little farther into my room, and then a person walked in front of the "window"....hahaha I got completely freaked out (my window is on the second floor). Then I remembered that it's my mirror, that's my wall, and that was ME. hahahah, oh man, but I had such an adrenaline rush that I'm not tired. Poo. It's going to be a loooong day today anyway. There will be like no one at work b/c all the people older (which is nearly everyone) than me are going to Des Moines. But, I think I'm going to read or something. If you actually read this, leave me a little love. I'm beginning to think that no one actually reads it... hmm.
<3 you all!!

God is good.
Via De Cristo was amazing!! I have never had such a heart for worship or learning before. I am just simply in awe of everything that went on those three days. And now, being in "the 4th day" life is getting better and better.
I don't have much time to update right now, I haven't been very good recently. It's something I'll work on. :)

my little brother rocks.

Here are some of the picture I've been editing:
Leave me some feedback! :)

Father God, I'm prayin' to you for somebody, who knows you Lord but just hasn't, hasn't been seein' you in the right view lately, Hear me out...

Father, I'm prayin' for a friend he and I are pretty close, and out of all my friends for this one I'm concerned the most. He say he readin' daily but he ain't really learnin'. He been in church but say that he ain't moved by any sermon. His face weak, he ain't prayed in a week, he wake up and just weep with his face in the sink Lord, you gotta help my man, I'm prayin' for him daily, he ain't sinned but it just seem as if he goin' crazy. He say he feelin' trapped, can't even head up the mall coz every lady's half-dressed temptin' him to lust and fall. He keep the TV off, videos just make him feel that he ain't really nothin' without money, girls and shiny wheels. The other day he told me that he felt less a man coz he ain't have a five-year plan or a piece of land and man it's crazy coz his family think so much of him, plus he got a godly wife who always showin' love for him but he's strugglin', even though he talk to me, I tell him what to do but he don't listen when he oughta' be. I'm scared for him coz there's people that look up to him, he got some younger siblings who been changed by what he's done for them but is it done for him, Lord don't let it be, if he don't wanna talk to you then Father hear from me, is it done for him, Lord don't let it be, if he don't wanna talk to you then Father hear from me...

Yeah, I'm prayin' for you, yeah, I'm prayin' for you
Yeah, I'm prayin' for you, yeah, yeah, I'm prayin' for you...

God, his condition is worsen since we were last conversed and I'm with him now and he ain't doin' well and this I'm certain. He say he tryna' trust you, doesn't wanna disgust you but he was in the mist of sinners and did not discuss you and just today his anxiety's got the best of him, he knows Christ but for hours refuse to rest in Him, he's not the best of men but Lord I know he really loves you and I can't understand why lately he's not thinkin' of you. People trust this dude, you could crush this dude, Father he needs more of you I pray you touch this dude, what can I say to him? I'm determined to pray for him Father empty and brake him I pray you'll just have your way with him, coz there's a change in him and the effects are strong, I pray you open up his heart before the next song and when he gets home, I pray he'll open up the sixty-six book love letter you wrote and soak it up coz he ain't hearin' You and he ain't feelin' me and God I know it's killin' You because it's killin' me and matter of fact there's somethin' else he's concealin' see, the person that I've been prayin' about is really me...