follow the Leader

Possibly my new favorite song:

If You Want Me To- Ginny Owens

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Chorus:
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

ya oh oh no

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I go through the valley If You want me to

I've got so much on my mind.
It's really frustrating because my mind is going 1,000 different directions and my heart is going 1,000 directions that are even different from my mind. Nothing is matching up. I really need like, a week where I can let my mind be blank. No thinking about school, work, social life, interviews, cleaning, anything. Just a blank mind. I pray that will come soon.
I'm so afraid that I'm not going to have everything done and what I do have done won't be done well. I have 2 weeks to do what needs to be done. I'm freaking out.
This is it. This year is coming to and end.
I've learned SO SO SO SO much... about this job, about people, about God... and the most about myself. There's so much I need to change. The person I am is such a failure. Seriously. I have only seen flaws this year, and that's all I've had pointed out to me. That's hard to take, but so needed... it shows me just how much I need to change. I feel bad for my parents, I don't want them to think that they suck at raising children... Seriously, they are amazing. No matter what anyone says about them, they are wonderful, loving, caring, God fearing people. They love my brother and I so much, and we love them back. It hurts me SO MUCH BEYOND belief when someone says something bad about my family. Like seriously, I don't' want to even think about it anymore it hurts so much. Ugh.
I really cannot wait to see if I can make it on my own someday. Someday might be soon, or in a couple years, but it will be interesting. Will I be able to keep my place clean? Will I be able to sleep through the night without being afraid? I just don't know, and I want to find out. It's so strange getting older. I never actually thought I'd be in this position.
Like most girls, I just assumed that I'd graduate from high school, go to college, meet the man of my dreams, get married right out of college and never have to be alone. Ha. I sure was wrong. I feel like that part of my life is YEARS away.
I'm too shy, I'm too --yuck. Lets just not go there right now. It's hard to face the facts. I'm learning though. I'm slowly learning.
On another note. I feel like I'm losing you. It hurts me so much. I knew it would happen, it always does. I just hoped it wouldn't. Friendships can't last forever, no matter how hard I try. I can't make anyone want to be my friend, and I can't make anyone communicate with me. It's just the way it is. Hmph.
I should be going to bed, I've got a really long day ahead of me, which is am not prepared for in the slightest. It should be an interesting day.
If you think of it, I need prayers. For everything.

Music- Invisible -Taylor Swift (Pandora)

I don't know who wrote this story, but I really like it. It's well worth the quick read. My prayer for myself is that I will not judge anymore.

A store owner was tacking a sign above his door that read "Puppies For Sale."
Signs like that have a way of attracting small children, and sure enough, a little boy appeared under the store owner's sign. "How much are you going to sell the puppies for?" he asked.
The store owner replied, "Anywhere from $30 to $50."
The little boy reached in his pocket and pulled out some change. "I have $2.37," he said. "Can I please look at them?"
The store owner smiled and whistled and out of the kennel came Lady, who ran down the aisle of his store followed by five teeny, tiny balls of fur.
One puppy was lagging considerably behind. Immediately the little boy singled out the lagging, limping puppy and said, "What's wrong with that little dog?"
The store owner explained that the veterinarian had examined the little puppy and had discovered it didn't have a hip socket. It would always limp. It would always be lame.
The little boy became excited. "That is the puppy that I want to buy."
The store owner said, "No, you don't want to buy that little dog. If you really want him, I'll just give him to you."
The little boy got quite upset. He looked straight into the store owner's eyes, pointing his finger, and said, "I don't want you to give him to me. That little dog is worth every bit as much as all the other dogs and I'll pay full price. In fact, I'll give you $2.37 now, and 50 cents a month until I have him paid for."
The store owner countered, "You really don't want to buy this little dog. He is never going to be able to run and jump and play with you like the other puppies."
To his surprise, the little boy reached down and rolled up his pant leg to reveal a badly twisted, crippled left leg supported by a big metal brace. He looked up at the store owner and softly replied, "Well, I don't run so well myself, and the little puppy will need someone who understands!"

I am full of JOY!
Things aren't going to bother me... I will not let them.
I need to just look at the up-side. As in, I don't have a Blackberry like everyone else in my family, but I did get my dad's hand-me-down LG, which is leaps and bounds better than my stupid LG sliding piece of poop. haha.
I saw an old friend. that was good.
I will not worry about not having a boyfriend anymore...will not.
It's not my place to worry anymore.. it's all in God's plan- not mine.
We are about to watch Doubt. I'll have to let you know how it is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Hf3BtISrmE


PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE watch this!!
this is the video our staff made this spring to the song that Dan wrote.

Yay!

I'm so happy.
Today was wonderful. I was planning on going to bed at like 10:15, but then I started thinking about how amazing today was, and I couldn't sleep.
Many many reasons... the final thing that happened though was probably the highlight. Melissa and I went fishing from like 8:30-10:00. It was great!! There were two guys there to help us figure it all out and it was just relaxing..and it was still like 75 degrees so it was beautiful. What a great day.
God is SO amazing!!!!! :)

I'm blogging.
Hi Amanda.
I'm suuuuuper tired right now. We are watching Rent, but I think I'll probably hit the hay pretty soon. I need to put away my new clothes and stuff before I can get to bed.
I cannot believe that in less than a month I'll be done with the YMT. It's such a crazy, and scary thought. I don't know what's going on next year. Like, will I have my job back, should I search for something else, go back to school? I just don't know what to do. I suppose I don't need to know what to do. I know that God has taken care of me already. I need to remember that i have given Him my burdens and I don't need to take them back. It's a constant struggle and definite battle. I need to keep spending more and more time in prayer and in The Word. I really should read some before I go to bed. Jame and I haven't talked about the Psalms lately, we'll haev quite a bit of catching up to do when we have a chance to chat about it. Life is just SO busy this time of year, it's unbelievable. I should also be working on homework soon. yikes. I'm a little frightened for that.
I wish I didn't require so much sleep... I'm sooooo tired, booo.
g'night world. Viele Liebe.

how do you know when to invite yourself...and know that you're not intruding. Is it fair for me to sit alone and wonder? I hate feeling like an intrusion. ugh.
I wish I was more daring, even if that means being annoying... It beats sitting alone, pretending to be asleep.

amazing weekend.
I'm so surrounded by Christ's love... always and it just makes me so happy.
I have joy really overflowing from me. The conversations I had this weekend were beyond amazing and really powerful.
I'm struggling SO much right now though, with the unknown. I wish I knew what was coming and I wish I knew what to expect and what I'm looking forward to.
I wish I knew what to do about certain family things. There's nothing I want more than to make him happy and to let him know how loved he is. I'm so worried that he had no idea that he's SO loved and SO appreciated and So amazing. He's my brother I will never ever let him go.

I think I really like doing interviews. I love being able to hear the stories these kids have to tell, and the experiences that they will bring to camp this summer. Things have been fabulous lately. God is SO good.
I have done 3 interviews so far, I have one more in about 10 minutes and I have two tomorrow, one Sunday, and I'm waiting to hear back from three people. I'm just so thrilled and honored to be in this position! yay!!

Psalm 12 is much like the past few Psalms. Disappointing myself once again.
I'm not working hard enough. I don't know where to begin.

Verse 7: O LORD, you will keep us safe
and protect us from such people forever.
Protect me from myself? ugh.
It's hard for me to focus on this when I'm thinking about Joe. Today would have been his 22nd birthday. I just don't understand why this happened. I'm sad that we didn't stay as good of friends as we were. He really was my best friend for about 2 years. He knew everything about me those two years. I really wish I had kept in touch with him better and told him how much he meant to me in those years. He was the most perfect first boyfriend I could have asked for.
I just pray that his mom and sister are doing alright. I'm worried about them.
They need to realize how much Jesus loves them.

I'm searching for something.

It's so wrong. I'm not suppose to search, it's just supposed to happen.

I'll put my magnifying glass away and close my eyes and open my heart.

Watch this.

http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=39572

Amazing. Seriously.

How many times have I felt like this Psalmist. Verse 1...right off the bat. He says "Why, oh Lord, do you stand far off? Why do you hide Yourself in times of trouble?"
Oh golly... I feel that way too many times. To continue, I AM the person he's speaking of in the following verses. It reminds me SO much of that LeCrae song. I think I blogged about it earlier. I am the wicked one. I make so many mistakes, and I sin so often. It's frustrating. I always say that I want to be away from it... but it's just so hard. I gossip, I lie, I steal, I lust...the list goes on. I was reading about sins the other day, and I didn't realize how often I steal and probably even cheat. I steal people's time way too often. I really think it's cheating... and probably a lie when I drive too fast, or break rules during a game. I really upset myself.
Here is what I love, however, about this chapter... "You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry"
He hears me when I'm down, He knows when I'm pleading for help. He listens when I'm unrighteous complaining and upset.
Praise Him on this day for His life.
Easter is amazing. I don't think about it enough... but he BEAT DEATH... no one ever could do that again. EVER. And... he endured the most painful, terrible, awful, horrifying death of all time before he beat it. he did it so that I NEVER have to even think about what eternal life in hell would be like. He loves me.
He loves you.
He IS love.

I'm all nervous now.
We have our sleepover tonight. It's like an excited nervous. I know it's going to be awesome, and I just pray that God is completely glorified. I'm also afraid that the girls are going to miss the meaning of a SLEEPOVER... that means sleep. haha. we have quite a few that have things going on on Friday so they want to sleep. I might just have to make a "sleeping room". I know it's going to be just fine, and I really need to stop stressing out about it. You know what would be awesome... if Family Force 5 showed up. they are in the MW today. I'm very sad that I can't make it to their show. but, since I'll be at an all-nighter and they will be heading north... haha... I'm going to pray that they happen to drive on highway 71 and see lights on in the church and stop in and say hi. eeeek! :)

I'd love to have this.

God and His timing... sweet. :)

The other night my phone rang at 2:30am with a restricted ID... twice. The first time I just thought it was creepy and blew it off. The second time, I hit ignore and attempted to go back to sleep. The longer I waited for a voicemail, though, the more my heart pounded and thoughts raced through my mind. All I could think about was bad things. I kept thinking that someone was calling because something terrible happened. I laid in bed and let my heart pound so loud in my hears and let my mind race to unexplainable possibilities until I had exhausted myself and decided to pray until I fell back asleep.
Stupid... that I let something little like that ruin my good night's sleep.
God hears our calls in the night when we need Him.
Thus, the verse that stuck out to me was verse 8.
8)In peace I will both lie down and sleep;
for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.

Amazing.
Why have I not read Psalm 3 more intently before??
I'm SO glad Jamie and I are reading through the Psalms together.
I did something nerdy, and awesome. I recorded myself reading it and I hope I can listen to it enough to memorize it!!
SO good!!


I prefer ESV. I really just love the language.
I think my favorite parts are:

5)I lay down and slept;
I woke again, for the LORD sustained me.
6)I will not be afraid of many thousands of people
who have set themselves against me all around.

Verse 5 reminds me of when I was little and learned the prayer "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the LORD my soul to keep" The Lord wakes me every single morning. 7680...that's how many days I have woken up. Amazing. How can we not recognize Him?!
Verse 6 really makes me think. Why am I so afraid of non-believers when I want to tell them about Him? They are EVERYWHERE around me, I shouldn't be afraid. What's the worse that can happen??...they'll kill me? Well, in that case I'm heading to Heaven. They could hurt my pride, or make fun of me I suppose... but I still have HIM. I will still wake up in the morning, and he will still bless me abundantly.

It's something I need to work on, definitely... but I have no reason not to share the good news. I mean, really, don't I want EVERYONE to join me in Heaven? I shouldn't be so selfish and keep the good news to myself.
Praise the Lord!!

Reading the Psalms is wonderful. :)

God is amazing. I cannot think of any other word right now.


I need to go to church... about half an hour ago.
Youth group from 7-8:30. After Easter we really need to dig in. Any suggestions?

I love my job, I really do.
I just hate that I spend so much time in front of a computer screen while everyone else is out having fellowship. It's so hard for me to feel included, and happy when I get to watch everyone having fun from behind the lens of a camera. There is a reason why I didn't keep going with videography. I am definitely settling. I shouldn't. It's too late now, but I cannot do this anymore...no more settling. I miss too much, I know that it shouldn't be all about me and I don't want it to be, but I don't think I should feel upset at the end of the day. I want to get joy out of this, and I'm not feeling it right now. It's so hard for me to sit upstairs and work on the video while I can look out the window, or listen below and know that everyone is laughing and having fun.
I'm complaining so much. I love doing video stuff, but I just wish I wasn't missing so much fun, and bonding, and laughter. I can't win. I need to grow up and get over it.
I'm so sorry for the negative and lame posts today. Please, don't judge me for these. Tomorrow's will be better... I promise.

for once I want to be the "popular" one.
I want someone to come talk to me for no reason, just to talk.
I want to come to someone's mind when they are thinking of someone to hang out with.
I want to not feel secluded.

not excited for the recharge... because it means taht I get to spend another few days sitting alone in front of the computer. I wish people would stop in and see me, or want to watch it, or stay up and talk or anything...
blah.

sorry for the negativity... just having a crappy day.

Things I'm thinking:

I'm so smart, I left my power cord for my computer in Spencer.

Tonight is my birthday party... I'm afraid everyone is going to ditch.. that seems to be my life story.

I have a stupid virus that might be turning into bronchitis. go figure.

My dad is about to go into surgery right now... I hope everything goes well

My little brother turned 18 today. weird.

I like to listen to the radio in the morning, but the talk radio stations don't come in very clear.

Things... people...parents of high school kids.... are weird. Idk what to think about it all.

Today, while we were singing I was watching shadows on the carpet. I was just so amazed that with the crescendos in our voices light was so much brighter, while we were singing softer and with less enthusiasm the light seemed to fade. God was definitely responding to us.
I am so in awe of Him every single time I take a moment to look around. I need to take moments more often. He is just so great.
I was reading some Proverbs out of The Message and I've always wanted to BE Proverbs 31, but I really like what The Message has to say.

10-31 A good woman is hard to find,
and worth far more than diamonds.
Her husband trusts her without reserve,
and never has reason to regret it.
Never spiteful, she treats him generously
all her life long.
She shops around for the best yarns and cottons,
and enjoys knitting and sewing.
She's like a trading ship that sails to faraway places
and brings back exotic surprises.
She's up before dawn, preparing breakfast
for her family and organizing her day.
She looks over a field and buys it,
then, with money she's put aside, plants a garden.
First thing in the morning, she dresses for work,
rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started.
She senses the worth of her work,
is in no hurry to call it quits for the day.
She's skilled in the crafts of home and hearth,
diligent in homemaking.
She's quick to assist anyone in need,
reaches out to help the poor.
She doesn't worry about her family when it snows;
their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear.
She makes her own clothing,
and dresses in colorful linens and silks.
Her husband is greatly respected
when he deliberates with the city fathers.
She designs gowns and sells them,
brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops.
Her clothes are well-made and elegant,
and she always faces tomorrow with a smile.
When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say,
and she always says it kindly.
She keeps an eye on everyone in her household,
and keeps them all busy and productive.
Her children respect and bless her;
her husband joins in with words of praise:
"Many women have done wonderful things,
but you've outclassed them all!"
Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades.
The woman to be admired and praised
is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God.
Give her everything she deserve

So good.
someday, I hope to be that woman.
Please.