follow the Leader

I love my job, I really do.
I just hate that I spend so much time in front of a computer screen while everyone else is out having fellowship. It's so hard for me to feel included, and happy when I get to watch everyone having fun from behind the lens of a camera. There is a reason why I didn't keep going with videography. I am definitely settling. I shouldn't. It's too late now, but I cannot do this anymore...no more settling. I miss too much, I know that it shouldn't be all about me and I don't want it to be, but I don't think I should feel upset at the end of the day. I want to get joy out of this, and I'm not feeling it right now. It's so hard for me to sit upstairs and work on the video while I can look out the window, or listen below and know that everyone is laughing and having fun.
I'm complaining so much. I love doing video stuff, but I just wish I wasn't missing so much fun, and bonding, and laughter. I can't win. I need to grow up and get over it.
I'm so sorry for the negative and lame posts today. Please, don't judge me for these. Tomorrow's will be better... I promise.