follow the Leader

I've got so much on my mind.
It's really frustrating because my mind is going 1,000 different directions and my heart is going 1,000 directions that are even different from my mind. Nothing is matching up. I really need like, a week where I can let my mind be blank. No thinking about school, work, social life, interviews, cleaning, anything. Just a blank mind. I pray that will come soon.
I'm so afraid that I'm not going to have everything done and what I do have done won't be done well. I have 2 weeks to do what needs to be done. I'm freaking out.
This is it. This year is coming to and end.
I've learned SO SO SO SO much... about this job, about people, about God... and the most about myself. There's so much I need to change. The person I am is such a failure. Seriously. I have only seen flaws this year, and that's all I've had pointed out to me. That's hard to take, but so needed... it shows me just how much I need to change. I feel bad for my parents, I don't want them to think that they suck at raising children... Seriously, they are amazing. No matter what anyone says about them, they are wonderful, loving, caring, God fearing people. They love my brother and I so much, and we love them back. It hurts me SO MUCH BEYOND belief when someone says something bad about my family. Like seriously, I don't' want to even think about it anymore it hurts so much. Ugh.
I really cannot wait to see if I can make it on my own someday. Someday might be soon, or in a couple years, but it will be interesting. Will I be able to keep my place clean? Will I be able to sleep through the night without being afraid? I just don't know, and I want to find out. It's so strange getting older. I never actually thought I'd be in this position.
Like most girls, I just assumed that I'd graduate from high school, go to college, meet the man of my dreams, get married right out of college and never have to be alone. Ha. I sure was wrong. I feel like that part of my life is YEARS away.
I'm too shy, I'm too --yuck. Lets just not go there right now. It's hard to face the facts. I'm learning though. I'm slowly learning.
On another note. I feel like I'm losing you. It hurts me so much. I knew it would happen, it always does. I just hoped it wouldn't. Friendships can't last forever, no matter how hard I try. I can't make anyone want to be my friend, and I can't make anyone communicate with me. It's just the way it is. Hmph.
I should be going to bed, I've got a really long day ahead of me, which is am not prepared for in the slightest. It should be an interesting day.
If you think of it, I need prayers. For everything.

Music- Invisible -Taylor Swift (Pandora)