follow the Leader

after an awesome week of meeting new people and enjoying amazing Christian fellowship things are back to normal. I'm back to second best, and I'm back to the usual nightly routine. I wish I was still at Riverside.

I have sooooo much I need to say.
It's just something I really want to tell someone. I'm afraid though.
Because, if I tell someone it might not happen the way I'd like, at least one thing I have to say. There's only one person I can think of that might actually care enough to listen. You know who you are, I'll probably tell you tonight... I want to scream. I want to shout it out. There's good, there's bad there's soooo much going on in my head right now!! Yikes!

Seriously, I need to COVER this situation in prayer.
If you'd like... you can pray for me to keep pressing on in the direction I'm headed and not to stray off the path that I'm going.
<3s

Best quite time ever today.
God was definitely leading me to see certain things and answering a lot of prayer.
I'm so very thankful for this week. Even though it's really difficult and confusing I'm learning so much, and trying my hardest to enjoy myself. I'm putting on a smile, because I'm afraid not to. I just wish my position was a little more clear for myself, and I wish that I knew exactly what I should be doing. It's weird. I also wish I could explain exactly how I was feeling.
blah.
Anyway.. i'm off to read a little more before supper.

Whoa! It's TUESDAY! Senior Counselors get here SATURDAY and then my JCs come NEXT SATURDAY! Yay!!!!
God is Good, All the Time!!!

This is it.
As I sit here, throwing things away, moving things around and organizing I realize that this could be the beginning of an end. As far as I know, this will be my last summer spent at Okoboji Lutheran Bible camp. Five summers and one full year of memories to sift through. I'm cleaning my room in hopes to clean up the rest of my life. I've got junk everywhere. I feel like, by letting my room stray to terrible disarray I'm letting Satan in. I know it sounds weird and probably far-fetched, but seriously, I'm not happy when my room is a mess. It's frustrating, overwhelming, and upsetting for me when I walk into my room and see stuff everywhere. I think I have ADD. I would LOVE to be able to just clean it up, or not let it get messy. However, every time I clean it I end up doing something else. Example: I'm writing this blog right now. How ironic. haha. At any rate, I'm getting it done, I've go my facebook closed and I'm close to closing Twitter too. I've got three and a half drawers that need to be filled and a pile of clean clothes on my floor. The pile of junk on my bed needs to be sorted and then I'll be good. I can do this. I need to do this. If I don't get this straighted up I will not go into my (possibly)last summer here in a good mood. I want to make this the best it can be and glorify God with every single thing I do, say or think. He's got to be number one or the Word will not be shared.
All I can think of right now is that song:
"He's my Rock my Sword my Shield, my Wheel in the middle of the wheel, My Lily of The Valley, my Bright and Morning Star. Makes no difference what you say, I'll get on my knees and pray. I'll get down until the day of Jesus Christ [woo pow]."
He is and I will!!
This summer is going to rock because God will allow it to rock. I will not let Satan have a foothold here and I will not let him ruin my summer. No way, no how!
Amen?

Lately I've been feeling very content with my life as a single woman seeking God's heart. I like that I am free to do what I want... meaning that my plans are my plans and I don't really have to consider anyone else. I like that I can have as much or as little alone time as I please. I like not having to talk on the phone at all, or text anyone if I don't want to. I like staying away from my computer for an entire two days and not worrying about if I'm missing anything. I like being able to tell people I'm unattached. I like not having to worry about looking good for someone. I like almost everything about this. Sure, it would be fun and all, but right now I'm so in love with God that it doesn't matter to me. I look around and see so many happy couples... and then I look closer and see so much work, so much hurt, so much sacrifice...I don't think I'm ready for any of that.
We had Godfathers for supper the other night there were like 3 younger couples in there, two that were probably just dating and one that had like three kids, but couldn't have been more than 5 years older than me. I watched these couples, one of them, probably in high school, looked just so love-struck they hardly talked to each other, just giggled and looked at each other... it was cute at first, then it was just like... blah! haha, they were so... happy that it was almost fake. The second couple had probably been dating for a while and they seemed to carry on a long conversation but didn't look at each other much and the guy hardly smiled.
The third couple...with the kids, looked COMPLETELY unhappy... the children were adorable, they sat quietly...giggled once in a while... and seemed to be very polite. But, no matter what happened the mom would bark some kind of orders, her eyebrows were almost touching because she had them pinched together so tightly, and her husband or whatever just sat there and took it all and did whatever she told him to do.
While I looked around I realized my life is great. I know it's worth the challenge and tough times to be with someone, but right now I'm so happy to have my focus in one place and not have to divide it up.
I'm working toward knowing God better, and praying that my future husband is doing the same thing. I can't wait to meet Him someday on our journeys, but until then I'm going to keep heading this direction and learn as much as I can.
God's got a plan and I'm trying my best not to get in the way!

haha.. just go here and "demand it"

It would be kind of cool to get a band like this in Spencer.

Hey kids!
I realized that I forgot to show you my new glasses!!
So, here they are!



Today is the LAST day of YMT! Ahh! I've got ABC scavenger hunt tonight at church. I'm praying the rain will be out of the area by the time it starts, if not I'll come up with a plan "b" this afternoon.
Tomorrow I'm having lunch with Jame! I'm sooo excited!! I need good girlie Jesus time.
Anyway, I should get going, I don't want to be late on my last day. :)
Adios!

I'm in love.
with...

1. Jesus
2. Love
3. FF5
4. Amazing true-blue friendships!
5. My family
6. Prayer
7. Understanding
8. Journals
9. Beautiful weather
10. Talking on the phone with mom
11. Laughing
12. Zyrtec

I think I'll be okay if I don't come back next year.

This year I have felt the most betrayed, the most hurt, and the most unpopular I have ever felt in my life. You wouldn't think that that would happen at a place like this. Well, at least I didn't. I HATE being the last to know EVERYTHING or NEVER KNOWING anything. It makes me feel really dumb when I don't know what going on and everyone else acts like its so obvious. It hurts me so much to feel that much like an idiot. For once I want someone to INFORM me! I think my entire life will be like this. I can't escape it. What I really want right now is to move back home with my parents and work somewhere dumb like mcdonalds. They seems to be the only people who consider my feelings and love me. I know that God does, I trust that. It's just really hard when everyone that surrounds you doesn't show you that. I haven't felt like I'm living in a Christian community ever since Christmas... and I hate it. I hate it so much. It hurts me to look around at this place and see that it's everywhere. It's within every single person here, myself included. Maybe everyone feels this way and I don't know. Maybe everyone is hurt by everyone. I hate being me. I want to be someone else, someone who knows things someone who has a ton of friends, someone who gets phone calls, someone who has people come visit, someone who gets along with everyone, someone who can sweet talk my way into whatever I want. I'm tired of being me, because obviously it's not working. Everyone says be yourself... well what do you do when no one likes the real you?

wow.
so, last night as I put together my "big project" I was listening to a song that really just hit me, hard. It's kind of funny because it's by Michael W. Smith and it's pretty cliche, but I just love the lyrics for this season of my life.

"Packing up the dreams God planted
In the fertile soil of you
Cant believe the hopes hes granted
Means a chapter in your life is through
But well keep you close as always
It wont even seem youve gone
cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

Chorus:
And friends are friends forever
If the lords the lord of them
And a friend will not say never
cause the welcome will not end
Though its hard to let you go
In the fathers hands we know
That a lifetimes not too long to live as friends.

With the faith and love gods given
Springing from the hope we know
We will pray the joy youll live in
Is the strength that now you show

But well keep you close as always
It wont even seem youve gone
cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong"

It's been such a great year for me to learn so much about the Lord, myself, my friend, and just...life. I could never regret my decision to work here full time, and I pray that God may have me back or keep me involved. With summer coming so fast it's really hard to realize that after this morning we will never be together as a YMT staff again. After today we start going separate ways. We'll be together with a bunch of other people, but not as the group we've spent so long with. There's so much I wanted to do this year, but it just didn't work out, that doesn't mean it wasn't a great year, it means that God had other plans that ended up being FAR better than mine.

I suppose I should get going, I have to put the finishing touches on my project before everyone gets to work.
Much love being sent from me to you!

I'm done with classes until fall! Yippie!!!
Summer is getting SO close, I'm super excited!!! I am going to have a fabulous group of JCs this summer. God is going to do such great things with our staff, I can already tell.
It'll be interesting to see if I update much throughout the summer, I pray that I will be able to because it's a great outlet and it's good for me to get my thoughts in order and keep me accountable.
anywhooo I'm the most tired I've been in a looong time so I'm hitting the hay.
Goodnight!!

When I'm doing homework, all I feel like doing is blogging?
haha. Lame. I'm listening to Life 96.5, I think it's my favorite radio station. So good. I'm getting really excited for Saturday and taking my girls to Sioux Falls. They're all really fabulous, even the ones who don't come on Wednesday. I just pray that I'm reaching them through God.
Alright, I have 3 more papers to write for Marriage and Family. After that I'll watch nine hours of video for Abnormal Psych. (boo!!!) and write 2 page papers on each one. ...oh life. I really hope I never do something this dumb again.

I'm posting what I need to get done...by tuesday.
Things in italics I have done... PTL!

A. Two exams are required: After you have taken an exam and it is graded, it will be on file in the center or campus library.

1.Mid-term exam given after Unit/Program 6

2.Final exam given after Unit 13

3.The majority of these exams will be primarily objective, there are also some short answer/essay questions on each exam. (100 points possible on each exam)

B. Required Papers. The papers are responses after viewing the programs. Write a summary of each program, including the main points and your reaction to the program. These papers will be due as follows: Unit 1-Unit 3, Unit 4-Unit 6, Unit 7-Unit 9, and Unit 10-Unit 13. Please submit papers in typewritten form, double-spaced, two pages in length for each program. (20 points possible on each Unit paper for a total of 260 points)

All assignments must be completed by May5, 2009.

NEXT CLASS

Essay Paper: Please choose 1 of the following topics to write a short (2-3 pages, double spaced, typed) essay paper. Point value of this assignment = 50 points. Essay paper is due by May 5, 2009.

1.Write an essay explaining the difference between family course development theory and family systems theory.
2.Write an essay exploring the ways in which the contemporary family is different from that of previous generations.
3.What arguments characterize the nature-nurture debate in terms of gender and behavior? Write an essay explaining the evidence presented on both sides, as well as some general conclusions of researchers.
4.Write an essay comparing the micro and macro reasons couples break up, along with examples of each.

ASSIGNMENTS: **Students are expected to adequately answer each of the following 18 assignments/questions and turn them in for grading. This will require students to think about the individual lessons. EACH QUESTION IS WORTH 10 POINTS. It will be an advantage to complete the questions for each unit BEFORE taking the exam.

March 6, 2009: Assignments 1-9 and Unit exams 1 & 2 due
May 5, 2009: Assignments 10-18 and Unit exams 3,4,& 5 due
Any work turned in past the due date will not be graded UNLESS you have made arrangements with your instructor.

Course Requirements: Complete the 18 video program assignments
Complete the 5 unit exams (2 done)
Complete an Essay Paper on topics from the list provided
All assignments and exams must be completed by May 5, 2009.

I'm trying SO hard to bite my tongue.
...I'm so afraid I'm going to snap and quit talking to this person altogether. I want to talk about it calmly but, I really don't want to talk about it all. Ahh. Please, just say ONE non-complaining thing to me if you're going to talk to me. I mean, everyone complains sometimes, I do it a lot... but that seems to be the ONLY thing you can say to me. I can't remember the last time we had a normal conversation.
Sorry to everyone who just read my little vent... I can't figure out how to make these private yet. Don't worry, it's not against you...and not many of you know this person anyway.